I'm required by the FDA

to report that side-effects may include: nattering, bloated earlobes, tone-deafness, spelunking, saggy trousers, increased gravity, manscaping, insincerity, rotoscoping, bear-baiting, spine-tingling, inability to stop humming "Horse With No Name," brittle toe-nails, instantaneous cloning, jazz hands, split infinitives, brothel breath, triskaidekaphobia, optimism, geysering mucus, and zombiism.

I'm not responsible for:

dry skin, overcooked steak, particle board, lampreys, the designated hitter rule, kleptomania, rusty nails, whinging, tomfoolery, nanotechnology, silverfish, the Moral Majority, deodorant body spray, lederhosen, the defenestrations of Prague, postmodernism, tubas, and the popping sounds that your knees make when you stand up.